After few days of stay in our house, it is time to move again. Since our loss, we moved in and out from one place to another and one province to another province. We were like fugitives, no permanent address. We did this on purpose, although it was difficult, we did a lot of packing and unpacking of our belongings since, but I am glad we did.
I cannot imagine what our life would have been if we stayed at home with all the memories within our consciousness, sights, sounds, touch, the smell of my husband that is all over the place. I am very thankful to my sisters and their respective families, who lovingly embraced us into their fold during the early part of our grief.Leaving Home
My children and I wept heavily at the thought of leaving our house, our place of refuge. If only we could stay, but we cannot, and we should not. Our only consolation was, this was just temporary, and we were only leaving the building, not the home. We bring our home with us, my husband who completes our family; our love is what made our house; a home. We will be coming back to refresh our memories. By that time, by the grace of God, our anxieties will lessen; though the pain will not get better, we will be accustomed to it and find ways to get through it; we can bravely face memories after memories of places and things where we used to go. We dropped by the columbarium to visit the ashes of my darling; once again, and we went ahead. The sky looked good as we traveled. I usually panic every time I see the sky so beautiful because it reminds me of my husband’s love for it, but amazingly, I did not—but tears kept flowing until we reached our destination
Finally Home?
It was a different experience; there was a 180-degree turn from our experience when we went back to our home city. There was no crying; we just went through the motion of fixing our things. We even had his two framed pictures displayed, one just beside the cross-stitched wedding I had while pregnant with our daughter. There were no emotions whatsoever until it was time to rest and sleep. Suddenly, we felt something was missing, there was something wrong, and only then that we realize that the 4th member of our family was missing, the most important member of our family was absent, and we could not feel him . We just looked at each other, no words in between, and wept together until our tears are dried up.
The days that followed became more difficult. We were constantly reminded of my darling; had he been with us, he would do this, do that, tell us this and that all based on our imagination because he never saw the place where we moved. We bragged about it because it is far better than the last one, its accessibility to places we usually go. He was looking forward to being with us and planned for a week to stay and visit the prison (given a chance) and was even invited as a speaker for a graduation ceremony, but he never had that chance.
Missing him more
I have always wanted to shout, but I never had the chance. But deep within, I am screaming and asking God for this pain to be over. For days, I saw my children suffer in agony; they were more open now. They used to be strong as they have been lifting my spirits. I thought they were ok, but I saw them break down in tears from time to time which they have been hiding from me. In desperation, they blame their papa for being careless; that is why he got the virus. I wept with them whenever I saw them cry; there was no holding back; we missed him a lot.
Soon after, my children allowed me to go in my grief and did not bother to sympathize nor empathized with me just as they used to. I have no choice but to endure the pain that pushes me forward, and it is the only option I got now; my daughter, who used to stand for me, for us, suffered physically as a result of stress and tension. She was diagnosed with TMJ due to frequent headaches, hair loss, and localized skin eczema since we arrived in the city. We were broken within this flame of trial that turned our world upside down and patiently wait for total healing from the Lord.
Things are clearing for us from time to time, especially for my children as they begin to cope; my daughter has to attend to the demands of her work and my son’s studies as he is wrapping up with the school year. Amid my grief, by God’s grace, I can still meet the need and pressure of my job but most of the time break down soon after.
