In my grief, I thought I was the only one struggling the hardest, but I was wrong; In my selfishness, I failed to recognize that my daughter, who has shown so much strength and bravery, is all the while, grieving by herself.
You can call my daughter to be “papa’s girl. This realization happened when she was in college; she and her brother had difficulty communicating with their papa during their childhood and early adolescence. Their papa was a disciplinarian. To him, wrong is wrong, and sin is sin. He doesn’t listen to any excuses. What is important to him is you know and acknowledge that you are wrong and that your reason for doing it is immaterial. I have to turn deaf ears and blind eyes as I see my children being punished for their mistakes, but after the punishment, their papa explains to them why he had to do it; whether they understand it or not, I knew it turned out to be good for them. Their papa’s resignation from his secular job to the full-time prison ministry was life changing. We saw the change in him; he became more caring, and at one point, in our carnality, we thought it was to compensate for the material/physical “wants” that he could not provide us, but we were happy. They admitted that their papa molded them into who they are becoming.. their papa’s faith, obedience, commitment, and dedication to God were our comfort. True enough, as my husband said in one of his preaching, “Many of us may not have the possessions for our children to inherit. The best inheritance we could give them is a godly inheritance.”
Our children did not give us headaches and heartaches. As our daughter grew up, her relationship with her papa grew deeper. Their conversations evolved about life, career, ministry, and even the choice of a lifetime partner. When she finally graduated from college, passed the board examination, and started working and living independently, she still made it a point to go home almost always on weekends. She still asks permission to go out of town with her officemates or any overnight activities, which my husband quickly approves without thinking, while I have to argue with him for some time.
My daughter was strong-willed yet sweet, generous, and a talker. She likes to talk a lot. She is “noisier” than me, so we missed her and her obsessive compulsiveness for our floor when she lock-downed during the pandemic. She wants them clean and, until today, is obsessed with a vacuum cleaner.
My husband and I talk about how blessed we are with our children. During his last days (which I didn’t know was coming), with the concerns about our stay in their family home, he told me that our daughter would be holding the flag for us, for our family, and she is holding on and hanging on, until today, this very hour, minute and second.
We are on our 21st month of loss, filled with episodes of sadness, loneliness, sickness, and exhaustion, not to forget the first 12 months of sorrow. For my daughter, I watched her stand up and make decisions for us in 2021, I saw her strength and courage in 2022, but at the start of 2023, I heard her struggle with grief which she had been keeping. We were surprised (with her brother) when she finally opened up but quickly said that she was dramatizing, but I know it was not. I saw her honesty and read through her heart. How could I miss it? I wasn’t the only one that was struggling after all. For the longest time, I knew that she was grieving, but I never thought it was not as painful as I have. She did not show any of it, and I know she did it because she didn’t like to fail us, his papa’s expectation. My grief blinded me, and I almost “lost” my daughter.
Throughout my journey in this grief, my daughter always pleaded with me to get up, and she reminded me that I was strong. I still have them to live for, and I am doing that now by God’s grace, my faith lifting me with the support of my loved ones. and as I am gaining my strength and moving forward, my heart was broken when I learned, one basic truth, my daughter is grieving hard- she has been keeping it to herself. Her papa’s loss gave her separation anxiety. She realized this when her best friend, her roommate, was sent by their company to another country for three months, and after the holiday, she was again sent back for three more months. It becomes clear now why she has to ask me to go to her place, and she would childishly and sweetly tell me to visit her in their dorm and that her place is conducive for my online classes with no internet connection problem. Now, I understand why she had also grown “bigger”. To lighten up our conversation because I was about to break down, I told her that I am allowing her to enter a relationship and not wait until she is 35. but she seriously she said she will not. She cannot imagine and see herself getting married, more so walking down the aisle without her papa to give her in marriage. I told her that her brother and I would, but she said it was still different. She doesn’t like to walk down the aisle without her papa. and since that conversation, it also dawned on me that she has changed. She was no longer the “talker” that we once knew. She became serious and immersed herself into her job to deviate from grieving and no wonder if topics about her papa surface, she avoids them.
I am sorry, my “basang,” for being so blind and selfish. I am writing this for you. I know you will not like it because you have kept yourself and your activities private but give me this chance to thank you and the people who love us; how strong you are, but you are human too. You are broken, you are in pain, and you are grieving.
I am letting go of my grief to give way to yours. You are experiencing emotional turmoil and despair, a normal feeling because you miss your papa’s advice, support, help, knowledge, and counseling, especially in your work. I will not tell you that it will soon pass because I do not know how “soon” is “soon.” I can only assure you that it will pass, and I know it will not be long because we have the Lord to see us through. I cannot compare my grief to yours; yours is different. I cannot and will not tell you that my pain from the loss of your papa is greater than yours (just as I told you before). I cannot agree or disagree. It is not a matter of who you lost that is important, but the degree and intensity of the relationship you have with the person but we know that the loss of a loved one, specifically a spouse or a parent, is one of the most emotional and universal human experiences.
I grieved for your “tatang” and “nanang” and your papa, and seeing you express the grief that you withheld from us is another blow to my healing, but I am stronger now, stronger than you are. For the longest time, I thought I was the only one grieving, but you are better at faking it than I am. I am here, we are here, and the support that we had in the early days of your papa’s passing is still here with us.
What you are feeling now is normal. You are experiencing various contradictory emotions, anger for being left alone, sadness, numbness, anxiety, and regret. It is normal to throw yourself into work and withdraw from activities and friends, just like what I went through. It is not yet too late. You are strong and stronger, too- you see, you are alone there now, but God is keeping you. There is only one request I ask of you, cry, weep if you can, and pray. God is our comfort and our refuge. Just as God loves the widows, He also loves the fatherless.
“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.” — Psalm 68:5
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