Surviving Grief 

I can hear Christmas carols being played all over. People are finalizing their list of activities for the Christmas celebration and our second holiday without my husband. I am better compared to last year. Back then, I could not recognize the coolness, the festivities, and the love and support of the people who surrounded us. I praise and thank God for surviving grief; however, it does not mean that I no longer feel those familiar and unwanted pangs of grief, like sobbing and wailing, and every moment I am hurting, I am healing. I can better see that each painful episode and expression of sorrow and hurt is healing and is helping me grow stronger in faith. These people who are now with us again for the second holiday did not push me through but allowed me to absorb, adjust and accept the reality of grief.


I am bravely stepping out of my emotionally protective cloud into a reality that I can no longer touch, talk with my husband and see him enter through our door. He will never be with us on special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries, and even though he has a photo in every corner of our house, he will never be there. The empty chair will always be empty, and there will only be the 3 of us now. This still breaks my heart, even if he is forever in my heart.


Grief, I learned, is not something you complete, but rather, you endure. Grief is not a task to finish. You are hurt, but you should not give up; it will never be like it was, but there are new journeys ahead. Please do not count on others to do the healing for you; it is personal, and sometimes, some people complicate the healing process more than alleviate it. I learned to let go of them slowly and work my heart to forgive them, and it takes so much humility to do that by God’s grace. I am surviving the person I lost. I learned to lean on God. 


I have always questioned God, why not me, and why there is COVID in the first place, and after two years, everything seemed back to normal. These questions and much more remained unanswered, but the grief journey led me to understand God and loss better. Although I still have struggles, I have talked to God about them and asked for forgiveness. I have also come to fully grasp that our body is just a cover that can be torn and wounded and needed to be dressed to our soul. This body will eventually wear out, broken and beyond repair, and return to dust, and the soul will be returned to its owner, but until then without painful loss, there will be no joyful reunion.  


I am passing through this journey by looking and praying for hope and joy and peace that passes all understanding while exercising my faith like no other time in my life, and by God’s grace gives me that comfort that allows this acceptance to grow. 


I will have to trust in Him, His heart. He knew better, and I have to rest assured that my darling husband is no longer here to suffer further in this complicated and sinful world, as he always says. When my time comes, I will no longer suffer, too, but until then, I will continue to work through this maze called the healing process and to actualize God’s purpose for me and his legacy to the people in bonds and to the people he loved.


To my darling in heaven, as we spend the holidays here on earth without you, please remember that we always hold your memories close together as we gather and celebrate the birth of our Lord, who is with you now. I miss you very much. Agapi mou s’agapo.