The holiday season is getting hard for people like me who will celebrate the day for the first time with the loss of a loved one. I wish I could skip the day, including the new year and other significant events in our family. Just listening to Christmas songs played in our church service for the first time brought me so many tears, and sometimes, I can feel a lump in my throat for every word coming out of the song and continuing as Christmas carols are being played on-air.
I conditioned my children not to celebrate the holiday and treat it like a normal day since the “ber” months arrived. But as the day drew near, my heart began to soften. My conviction was redirected to focus on the season’s real meaning when I saw my children hide their excitement. (They did not complain nor argue, but I could sense their sadness) Only then did I realize the significance of the day; it is a day of thanksgiving for God’s greatest gift – Jesus Christ, and my husband is now enjoying this gift in heaven. Christmas is not about me; it is for me – for all of us.
I have to stay grounded with this conviction, and I need to constantly remind myself that our lives and those we love here on earth are not ours to keep. This world is not permanent, and the Christ of Christmas provided us with a permanent home. He was born… to die. Let us thank God that He shared their lives with us as they have been part of our journey, even for only a short time. Although brief, we became so close to them, and we feel that we could not continue that journey without them, but again, though painful, we need to accept (by God’s grace) and realize that not everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever. There is no such thing as forever in this life, and that forever is only beyond the sunset where our loved ones are waiting on the condition that we accept the gift of the holiday season, Jesus Christ.
For this reason, I will try to put aside my sorrow, and I will try to withhold my tears and concentrate on God’s love for us. The essence of Christmas is Jesus Christ. He is the reason for the season, the very reason and person why my husband wanted to live longer – to serve the Christ of Christmas.
The holiday is tough because I lost someone dear (who should be here with us during this important and most celebrated occasion); my heart is yearning for my husband’s presence and the thought of him just being here. (Added to the recent loss of my father, who is also dear to me). It is not easy and not even okay. I don’t hold a grudge or ask for understanding. People are telling me this experience gets better with time. I also thought it to be so because I know that I have improved over time but, today, I cannot say it is, but it is different- the randomness of grief. I am still struggling with pain. Sometimes, the pain hurts too much that not even a single tear comes out from my eyes anymore, but most of the time, when it is also “too” much; I cry my heart out until tears run out that I can no longer pretend that I am hurt, and people can see straight through me.
As we celebrate the occasion in a few days, I will ask my sister’s family (with whom we are celebrating the holidays) to spare an empty chair and fill the void of our first Christmas without my husband and prepare his favorite food for the occasion.
We will celebrate God’s goodness as a family through my husband’s life. I will try to laugh and be with the people who knew his smile and how he joked and teased them. I will try to appreciate and show concern to the people he loved (based on our quiet moments together where he openly poured out his heart and soul). In due time, by God’s enabling grace, include and reach out to the people he got disappointed and frustrated with and those he offended. My children are doing these things unknowingly, especially our daughter, who is developing to be like – her father. She is more objective, sets aside unwanted and undesirable emotion, and move forward. O, how my husband and I are so blessed to have them, especially how they keep his legacy unstained and support me with my desire to continue with what he started.
“To my darling in heaven, I wish I could literally send a letter to you. Inside is a message full of beautiful things about us, our children, your love, life, and the people who love you, and, more importantly, your work for the Lord that is continuing. But until then, I will hold and keep you in my heart, and there you will stay so I can move forward with you until I can hold you again somewhere over the rainbow. Merry Christmas, from this side of the world, I can only wish and dream that you are here with us or I am with you this very day. ‘Missing you very much.” Agapi mou s’agapo.