It’s been more than a week. My response to another loss was different. I was numb, cold, “heartless.” I asked the Lord to extend my father’s life for next year after knowing that he gets weaker and weaker every day. We know that his life at 91 is already well- lived but the added loss was too much for me to handle and I was not prepared for another one in a year. I avoided talking to my father on his last day; I couldn’t stand listening to his voice because it brings back memories of my husband’s final moments. My sister was able to record his last words to us, but I did not dare listen to them even until this writing.
I felt “good” during the wake; I was different, totally different from what my family expected of me. I felt and saw their concern when I arrived and they anticipated an overwhelming show of emotion, but I did not. I just shed a tear as I looked at my father’s lifeless body. I was my usual self as if I did not grieve for months; my family even openly joked about my attachment to my husband through the dolls I have of him. It was a happy event, celebrating the life of my father, who died peacefully in his sleep. This feeling of numbness, coldness and heartlessness was temporarily put on hold when we finally laid down my father’s body to rest. The thought of not seeing him again and his voluminous letters finally dawned on me. There was this feeling of guilt and wished, we should have known earlier because there was a disparity of what he showed us from his writings, but who are we to judge? He is no longer here to defend or justify, or to clarify whatever it is that he wrote but one thing is certain, he was very proud and believed in us and more importantly, he was saved and that gave us this peace and comfort that one day, we will see him again and as I re-watched the video of him, I felt the same knife that cut my heart into pieces during my early days of grief with my husband when I realized that I was the only one left from our wedding pictures together as shown from the video.
After the burial, I intentionally ignored any show of emotions, including any remembrance of my husband, by keeping myself busy. I did not slow down despite the sleepless nights of wake and tiredness. I believe God gave me the sufficient strength to go through day after day. I was able to fight off the feelings until we traveled back to the city. I began to feel and acknowledge the same surge of emotion as before, but this time, I am more open with the negative ones, like anger. I have become more impatient and “angrier” with my children for trivial things. They became my shock absorber. I was surprised to see my son step up as my daughter and I argued repeatedly. I felt so weak and overpowered that I unknowingly told my niece that I wished I’d be gone too. I also said the same thing to my children when I regained my sanity. I asked for understanding as the loss of my father started to sink while I was still journeying with the loss of their father at the same time. They knew I was better until the recent passing of my father.
I have to go down to my knees again, this time deeper and longer because of the added pain, similar yet different. My heart is heavy. What makes this difficult is the holiday season coming up. One of the many first holidays of “should have beens” with my husband. It should have been our first time to spend the holiday season from my side of the family and go home to the province. (We planned for this before his passing) little did I know that he would not be with us and, worst, even my father. I can only imagine how happy my father would have felt and how we would be feeling, a different place of celebration, but now, we were left with …just us.
As I continue in this journey, please pray with me and for me, please do not audit my grief through my tears, especially the length and volume of it; please do not tell me, I should be over it, or to let go of it but instead allow me to let it out. Please let me speak about it for this emotional pain to lessen or soften; this is a kind of pain you can feel in the bones as I continue to seek and ask for God’s additional and continuous comfort and peace. I know I am making you uncomfortable that is why I distanced myself from people, and forgive me if I bring down your happiness when you see me, or I am becoming a burden to you. You are free to let go of me; please know that this is my journey, and this journey matters to me, and I find it difficult to race through the heartache. My children were witnesses of my progress before it was broken with another loss. I was looking forward to ministering to people and share how God is carrying me through this journey, but I know the Lord is teaching me more. For today and the days to come, please hold on as I sail and continue the legacy my loved ones left for me, especially my husband. I have this feeling of cement that is slowly hardening and pressing on my chest due to my longing for his presence which I deliberately ignored. Losing another parent is also a different kind of pain that makes it more difficult.
I know this will be one of the courageous things I will go through, to continue to live even if personally; I also want my life here on earth to end, and as I do that, each day that passes through brings me closer to seeing my loved ones in Heaven. Our separation is only temporary. I will see them again when my very own journey here has been completed.
“I can no longer see, hear, or touch you my darling, but I will feel you in my heart forever. To my father and mother, I know you are now both resting in peace and enjoying Heaven together.”