“Acknowledge the need for God, inform and express the pain, and that the feelings are valid. We must not allow the pain to cover the goodness of His character.”
My faith was tested in the days that followed after our soul-searching meeting. I have nowhere to run to but to God. My devotional readings and prayers challenged my troubled heart. I always pray for comfort and peace and ask Him to tell my darling that I love him and I miss him very much, added to my usual expression of pain and loneliness that I am going through. I also asked for signs because I never felt him since and as if he just existed and left. I envied those who dreamt of him or even “imagined that they felt him.” I wanted to hear his voice, smell, and feel his warmth, even just in dreams, the most likely place where I can connect, a place between goodnight and good morning.
I finally dreamed of my husband two to three days after. As a Christian, I know that dreams are things of the past, and God no longer works through them. I am aware that my dream is due to my emotional stress and overly stimulated mind, but somehow, I was relieved to have finally felt my husband even in my dreams, and it comforted me. I am being led to believe that God saw my misery, and He did not forget me despite my unfaithfulness. I had random dreams about him in the following days, but I cannot remember the dream. I find myself waking and thinking about what was in there, but to no avail; it was empty. I wanted more, and I am still looking for small “miracle signs” like the “orchids” we have at home to help guide and comfort me because I believe that the continuing bond we have does not end.
I slowly got up my feet in the days that followed, one foot forward, 2-3 feet backward. I cannot look far ahead. I need to go through the day, and thank God I did and think again tomorrow; I couldn’t plan things for two days earlier because it will change abruptly. I find that simple decision-making paralyzes and drains; I often snap and change my mood in a split second. (One of the reasons I don’t like to meet people is because I might hurt them unintentionally) I can tell people how I feel, but I cannot even recognize my feelings.
Every day is different, and that is what I have to deal with. The emptiness and longingness to feel the presence of my husband is filled with unique pain. Most of the time, I cry for him, but sometimes, I try to hold my head up high because that is what I know he wants me to do. I need to accept that his time here is over, and this hurts, and I don’t like it, but what else can I do? I need to be strong and brave, primarily for my children, who used to be strong but are now beginning to feel the absence of their papa. I need to trust God and cling to Him because, after all, He is our comfort in sorrow. He absorbs the sting of death because He already paid the price.
I know that I will change and grow from this experience; I do not move on from it but move forward with it because my darling was, is, and will still be part of my future. He will be my motivation to go through struggles, hard work, act without fear, and smile through pain as I watch our children that he left behind grow and mature and become independent on their own. I know it will not be long because they are now quickly maturing due to this experience. If that time comes and they will face the world without me and rejoin their papa in heaven, the love and the godly inheritance (love, faith, and hope) left by my darling will be enough if tomorrow will never come.
“Let thy mercy, O LORD, be upon us, according as we hope in thee.” Psalm 33:22
