In the early days of my grief, I met God amid all the support I received; I asked Him why? I know that He was there when the medical staff was reviving my husband. I can feel all the prayers spoken for him (that is why I never said goodbye). I was so full of faith and hope; he wanted to live; he fought for his life because I know deep within, he was thinking of God’s unfinished works and plans through the church and us. But I saw tears rolled from his eyes, as if he is telling me, I am sorry.
I am well aware that we do not have the right to question God but human as we are; with my world crushed and crumbled and my heart torn into pieces, I cannot help it, and I have to admit, I found God to be distant and I never found comfort no matter how hard I try to reach out to Him. I put on a different mask during the wake, appearing as if I am ok. I still had the strength to have a hand on the program and how amazing I was able to pull it off until the inurnment.
CS Lewis, a person, grounded in faith and committed to God in his book, A Grief, observed, also felt abandoned by God and addressed the common thought or experience of those struggling in grief. Job and David in the Bible also met and “complained” to God in their trouble, and God still allowed them to endure pain in their own time. These godly men were not exempted from presenting their case to God. How much more to us in today’s generation?
My reading of Isaiah 55: 8-9 reminded me that God’s thoughts and ways are higher, just as heaven is higher than the earth. I know this is an answer to my why, and no matter how much I try to understand, I will not be able to. My human mind can only know that we all die, but as to why my husband, who can still be used for Him, can only be answered when we meet face to face. Since his passing, I find heaven very real and more beautiful now than before. I find comfort that I will be meeting him there. I can only wish it to be sooner, so I can let go of this unbearable pain.
