Topics on grief as a tunnel have been in and out of the pages of the readings that I have been through, except that the tunnel is not only dark, but it is also rough, and stumbling blocks are everywhere. This is what makes grief more difficult. Until now, I cannot fully accept that my husband is gone. I was told that I would imagine him to be out in another country and never return to ease the pain or accept that his time is up and he already served his purpose in this life according to God’s plan, which I must and should do. “My heart needs more time to accept what my mind already knows.” I must admit that I cannot go through the dark and rough tunnel alone, I need help, and that help can only come from God, who I have been wrestling with.
I used to be a confident, strong person, as people would describe me, and I realized that my husband made me feel confident and strong because he believed in me. He cheered on me every time I cast doubts on what I do, especially my decisions towards work and my students, and more importantly, he kept reminding me to pray. (This is one thing we will never forget of him. He always tells us to pray before we make a decision, even in simple things) and when we lost him, everything turned around, and after my real encounter with my children, I need to get up. It will be difficult to be strong without my husband, but I need to; I have no choice but to endure the pain to bring them to my fold and protect them just as my darling protected us, our safety net here. We are now vulnerable to all kinds of harm- physically, at least humanly speaking; with him around, we were assured that no bad people could harm us; he is going to “fight for us,” which he did until his last days.
I have always been on my knees and always keep in mind that the Lord is there, I have given up on life already, and I am ready if He is going to take me home too. But, I am afraid that I am way ahead of Him as I am also scared for my children. The devil can also take advantage of my vulnerability to trouble my wounded soul further.
My children are my inspiration now. They are my biggest support system throughout this journey. I truly appreciate how they patiently take care of me, hug and weep, and remind me of good memories of their papa and validates that their papa loves me very much. They saw how their papa took the first steps to woo me back when we have disagreements, which is not typical of him and his personality. Added to that, they know how poetic he is reading from our love letters. They are first-hand witnesses of the negative emotions like denial, loneliness, rejection, confusion, helplessness, anxiety, disappointment, anger, sadness, resentment, inadequacy, vindictiveness, depression, pain, loss, anguish, dismay, sorrow, abandonment, apathy, distrust, lack of control and positive emotions of laughter, hope, faith in between. They were able to endure these “explosive” emotions and are continuing. I am beginning to see their hardship and bravery to keep me going. My darling indeed, true to his word, “Many of us may not have possessions for our children to inherit. The best inheritance that we could give them is a godly inheritance.”
CS Lewis, in his book, A Grief Observed, clearly summarize this experience, “Grief is like a bomber round and dropping its bombs each time the circle brings it overhead; physical pain is like the steady barrage on a trench in World War One, hours of it with no let-up for a moment. Thought is never static; pain often is.”
Many people wanted me to rejoin life again just what I used to, to pick up the broken pieces, the small, sharp edges that hurt the most. It will be a long hard journey to healing, and I am willing to go through it even if it is painful because the empty space that occupied an entire part of my being is from someone who loved me beautifully. My darling is God’s greatest blessing to me; many people never get the experience of loving and being loved back by someone that much.
I know my love for him will move right along with me, into the life we have built and continue to grow become my motivation to move forward. How I long for that day that my darling will be looking down on me with approval and confidence that I will be able handle necessary things here until it is my time to depart.
“How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” (Psalm 13:2).
