My Journey to Healing

This journal is my very heart and soul..

”…and they lived happily ever after..” This phrase is what you and I can remember when we watch or read fairy tale stories during our younger years and  O, how we dreamed of our Knight in shining armor!. These fairy tale stories led us to believe that there is such a thing as living and loving forever here in this world. Growing up, my love for reading love stories continued with the likes of  Mills & Boons and Barbara Cartland (I give credit to her for the term Agapi mou’ s’agapo) to more passionate best-seller books of Danielle Steel. Reading these books stopped when my brother called my attention to read the Bible instead. But, reality check,  my very own love story nor anybody’s love story will never be what we desire or want to be. This world, though beautifully (and perfectly) created, will leave us heartbroken, destroyed, and eventually die and will be buried, and this is the price we have to pay.

Twenty-five years (25), one (1) month, and twenty (20) days of wedding bliss, on top of nine (9) long years of engagement, at 50, I lost my darling husband to the dreaded COVID19; I was with him until his very last breath. Some say I am still blessed to be with him because others are not.  They never saw their spouses until their final moments. (I was advised to say goodbye, but I was full of hope and faith with many people praying and claiming for God’s miracle.) As soon as he agreed to be intubated, the medical team came rushing through, and all I can say is I will see you later, darling.

My hands are trembling, and tears are flooding my eyes as I pen this journal. I realize that I am still ill-prepared to bare my whole heart and soul, especially when I think of my husband’s last days. The plans that we had, the “should have been, “and “would have been,” the “selfless” future we are supposed to have. 

Nobody is equipped for the emotions that go with losing a loved one, let alone your husband whom you have so loved deeply and truly. The pain is indescribable; it is likened to a knife that cuts right through your heart. It is a ruthless master, and the grief the goes with it is exhausting; you are like fighting a lion, with its teeth and claws tearing you apart, and as you hold on fighting, your fingers slide off and find your hands empty. It is suffering at its “best” and “worst” that only those who have loved and lost can understand.

I am into my 3rd month of loss. Many people already expected me to have moved on forward because of my strong personality and strong faith in God. However, my posts on my Fb page prove that I am not because I am still struggling with words and thoughts that are not in, of, and for God. He is still dealing with me until this very day.